Sex on the First Date FOLLOW-UP

When I first created this blog and it existed only as a figment of my conscious thought and had no tangible base in reality, I wrote a number of posts for when the site was actualized.  I put my thoughts about dating, relationships, and sex down on paper (or Microsoft Word paper rather) so that when the blog was up and running I would have posts ready to go.  One of those pre-drafted articles was the one pertaining to sex on the first date, “Sex in the Early Stages of Dating: Sex on the First Date…” At the time I wrote it I also devised a follow-up sexploit article giving two examples of sex on the first date–one that worked out and one that didn’t.  I believed that sex on the first date was not always a bad idea.  Crazy how much one’s convictions can change in a month…

I am not sure if I will post that sexploit article; I suppose if people request it then I will put it up because I have nothing to hide.  However, subsequent to writing my beliefs about first date hookups, I had a number of dramatic life experiences that changed my perceptions of such endeavors.  While I still believe that everyone is different and sex on the first date doesn’t mean that a relationship is doomed, I now understand that in my life such actions will not ever result in anything healthy or long-lasting.  Sex on a first date will 99 times out of 100 lead to nothing more than casual hooking up and a guy who sees you as a great lay on a good day.  Since most of us ladies don’t have sex with 100 guys, we are unlikely to come across that one in a hundred guy who is the exception.

I had believed that things could be different, that with time a guy could grow to love you for the person you are but now that my only example of a decent guy to sleep with on a first date turned out to neither be at all right for me nor be capable of caring about me beyond what my body could do for him on his terms, I have to come accept the truth I’ve always known yet chosen to ignore.  The vast majority of men are capable of a relationship and actually are decent guys but they keep up a wall of insensitivity and have a fear of caring about women as some sort of self-preservation modality, likely due to the social construction of their gender.  So, they treat us like shit and tell us they aren’t looking for a relationship to test us and to keep us at a distance–hoping to get all different brands of  milk for free without ever buying a cow.

I can also assume that no matter how much you swear that you’ve never had sex on a first date or say ” I don’t normally do this,” guys will assume you do and think less of you for it.  Even if what you are saying is true, it still reflects poorly on you and that is just a sad reality of our world.  Additionally, guys make restraining from emotionality post first-date-sex exceedingly difficult because they feel abliged to take you on a subsequent date or two and make promises of many more dates to come.  They wine you, dine you, and woo you into believing that this hook-up will go somewhere.  While to us women it means “he likes us,” to men it means “she gave me her vagina on date one so to prove I’m not a total dick I will take her out one or two more times and get laid again and ‘do the right thing’  since girls don’t like if we fuck and run right away.”  Guys out there, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but men think it somehow makes it better for us if they do call and do take us out again, only to disappear or blow us off after a few dates.  Well for those of you men who do this, it is not better.  If all you are looking for is a hookup and you don’t want a relationship, just say so.   I guarantee you will still get laid by most girls and the ones who won’t because they do want a boyfriend are better off un-fucked anyway since they will not just disappear after the hook-up and won’t be a name to add to the booty call list.

Believe it or not, there are plenty of “good girls” out there who will give it up on the first date.  Whatever the reason, be it extreme attraction prevailing, high consumption of alcohol, or her believing  that she has met someone special–it happens.  The reality is that many women see a hookup as a just sex too and we are capable of being completely fine with it.  However, we only develop all those emotions and feelings men detest so much when the guy asks us out again and acts as though he is open to it becoming something more.  It is then that we exchange personal stories about our childhoods, engage in mutually enjoyed activities, and develop a fondness for one another beyond the sexual and physical realm.  Just the very act of asking one out on a date implies that this has some semblance of potential for being more than a one time fling and when it is not expressed early on that a relationship will never be in the picture, we ladies will start to think it’s on the table and invest ourselves and that is when we are most vulnerable to be hurt.

I used to believe that sex on the first date just got the ball rolling faster, set things into motion quicker than all that fanfare and waiting–but I now fully accept that all that small talk and getting to  know one another prior to becoming physical is essential if the two people involved are seeking a relationship.  Something is sparked in men when they get laid on the first date to put up a wall for all emotionality and perhaps they innately feel that said woman is a bad potential life partner so they close themselves off to the possibility of fostering love with that woman.  It is the sad truth that sex on the first date is an all around bad idea.  It took making that mistake with the wrong guy who I really let get under my skin and was utterly unworthy of it to realize what an error in judgement it was.  With this particular boy I had never regretted it because the sex was great and we were friends but when I was going through something very tough in my life, he not only was not there for me but actually shut me out of his life when I needed my friends the most.  Only after the dust settled from said events did I realize how wrong we were for each other.   Sure he has a number of good qualities, as do I; but we were never meant to be more than friends.  Had I not had sex with him on date one, I could have learned that and perhaps not ruined a potentially great friendship with all the drama of mistaking lust for love.  Yet, I of course did and I will have to live with the consequences of that.

10 thoughts on “Sex on the First Date FOLLOW-UP

  1. Pingback: Sex on the First Date FOLLOW-UP | Sexiquette.net | How to Make Money with google

  2. I do agree with this. However, I had sex with my current boyfriend before we ever started dating (boredom sex?) and now, two years later we are in a very loving and committed relationship. I know that he’s just not that into you says don’t live as if you are the exception, but if you do make this mistake, you never know what will come out of it! It’s highly dependent on each individual man.

    • I agree, and love that movie btw. Watch it a lot lol. Every guy is different and there are certain people you can hook up with and have it evolve into something more, but again, that’s the exception not the rule. You and your boyfriend are great together and you lucked out but you found your 1 in 100 early haha. I had some stuff happen recently that changed my opinions about sex on the first date so there is always the possibility I will meet my exception and change my mind…just praying I don’t get anywhere near 100 lol.

  3. Haha, I know! It’s just funny/ironic to me, because the relationship that I did the “right way” ended up with me being cheated on for a year, and the one that worked out for me was the one where sex started before the dating even did. Only my life!

  4. “So, they treat us like shit and tell us they aren’t looking for a relationship to test us and to keep us at a distance–hoping to get all different brands of milk for free without ever buying a cow.”

    You said it right, Max. Funny thing is – when I discuss this topic with male friends, they swear up and down that there is nothing wrong with having sex on the first date if there is this great, strong connection. However, I’ve heard stories from these same male friends who, once they’ve slept with a girl on the first date, their entire perception of that female changes. And yes, some of them have also played the role by even taking said girl on a few dates here or there in an attempt to convince the girl and themselves that they are not assholes when it’s obvious that they are. Love my male friends to pieces, but I am often disgusted by the way they treat women. I’m even more disgusted when they try to justify their actions. Ridiculous.

    Yes, sex on the first date is definitely not a good idea – unless it is clear from the beginning that man and woman involved will just be fuck buddies.

    • Yvie I’ve learned this the hard way. I feel as though it’s just as tough for girls to hold out as is it for guys if there is a strong physical connection but the difference lies in the aftermath. Men got what they wanted and move on to the next while women (provided that the sex was good and they had a good time) will want to see him again and feel excitement that this may evolve into a relationship. I hate buying into the rules and gaming of dating but I’ve been hurt so many times trying to do things my way that I have to give in to the dating world’s stipulations and taboos if I want to ever find someone. I’d like to hold out hope that just being me and doing my thing will find me the right guy but I’m nearly 26 and things aren’t looking promising. If you’d asked me a month ago about sex on the first date, I would have believed that a relationship could come of it, not always but more often than not because I felt that society had evolved and women’s roles had as well so that sex was not the big deal it used to be. I now realize that the problem is it’s so not a big deal and men are willing to do anything to get it but very little to keep it with one person. After some recent events I’ve finally acknowledged that sex on the first date just won’t work out. While yes there are always exceptions, they are just that, minor instances of circumstances being contrary to the rule. I agree with you completely and I might not have before…hopefully that means I am evolving and maturing and doesn’t mean I’m selling myself out to the rules of society but in my experience, sex on the first date not only never works out, you can also grow to regret it because you wonder if things between you and the other person would have been different had you waited and letting yourself get lost in the rhetorical land of what-if’s is a dangerous thing.

  5. I agree with you. Sex on the first date could work, but why bother risking it? I’m dating two guys. One I had sex with on the 3rd date and still feel that that was a mistake. I’ve gone on about 6 dates with the other guy and he hasn’t received anything more than some intense kissing – and it will stay that way. He claims he’s willing to hold out, so we’ll see. The best thing we as women can do is follow what our mothers and grandmothers have been saying for years – avoid having sex on the first, second, and third dates. It’s probably best to wait even longer, if possible.

    • So true. I admire your willpower to hold out though lol. I am definitely changing the way that I date to better abide by my rules. Everyone has their own personal dating rules but I suppose I treat them more like guidelines and that needs to stop. My problem is dating guys I’m highly attracted to right off the bat. When I date a guy I’m not really attracted to I can hold out forever but if they are hot and the chemistry is there it can be rough. Yet, seeing as I’ve grown to regret my experiences with sex early on in dating I will need to reevaluate my rules and behaviors.

  6. Pingback: Sexploits: Sex on the First Date Great Time or Bad Decision? (Follow Up) | Sexiquette.net

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s