Knowing When It’s Time to Move On

“Close enough to start a war,
All that I have is on the floor,
God only knows what we’re fighting for,
All that I say, you always say more,

I can’t keep up with your turning tables,
Under your thumb, I can’t breathe,

So I won’t let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won’t ask you, you to just desert me,
I cant give you what you think you gave me,
It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables”                                                                                                                                          -Adele

We’ve all  been there–gotten dumped or had to end things with someone for our own good while the memories and feelings linger long past the relationship.  Even if we utterly hate someone, hate is still an emotion, a feeling–and a powerful one at that.  Letting go can be the hardest thing we will ever do but there are some cases where it is for the best that we cut our ties.  There are some instances where too much has been said or done to justify attempting to stay friends with someone after the relationship is over.  Down the line when the dust settles it can always be revisited; but, for at least 6 months space is essential to get ourselves back on track and let the feelings dissipate.  As much as we may want to see them, we cannot trust ourselves from making bad decisions after a break and rather than risk falling back into bed with that special someone or allowing all the pain and suffering to return, knowing our will may not be strong enough we must issue restraining orders on ourselves and keep a solid distance for him/her.

Being a highly sensitive and emotional person about everything in life, a break-up or the ending of any relationship (dating, hooking up, friendship, etc.) is always especially arduous for me.  It is tough on my heart to handle rejection of any kind or to push someone away despite how much it may be for the better.  Even when dating people who treated me like garbage, were constantly intoxicated, or had no respect for me, I continued to keep them in my life long past the relationship’s expiration date due to a deep rooted fear of loneliness.  It has taken me 25 years to learn that I would rather be single wishing for a guy then be trapped in a bad relationship or be dating someone who is all wrong for me.

For a long time I used to compromise my desires and sense of self to please a guy just to not be alone.  Yet, while I may have had a guy and regular availability of sex, I still felt lonely and empty.  Part of mature dating is knowing when it is time to get out of dodge and move on.  Obviously physical abuse or putting you in harm’s way in any capacity renders an immediate cut of ties with your significant other.  Yet, emotional abuse or just plain toxicity can be harder to see and less easy to walk away from.  Like the shocked dog in the cage, we learn helplessness and adapt to our negetive environments.  We as girls become accustomed to being treated far worse then we could ever deserve.  Perhaps this goes back to when we were in elementary school and used to get hit and picked on by boys and our parents and teachers would tell us that this was a sign they liked us.  Why is it that when a guy likes a girl he is so afraid of it he would rather hurt her than give in and risk his heart by dating and potentially finding love?  Do men really ever grow out of this?  I am truly beginning to wonder.

We grow up with a hollywoodized view of life, believing in happy endings, everything happening for a reason, and things working themselves out.  Yet, in the real world, magical forces do not intervene in our lives, we must take control and make our own fate.  When something isn’t working and efforts to rectify it are unsuccessful, we must accept that the relationship needs to end.  All relationships, friendships and dating alike, serve the purpose of enhancing our lives and adding something positive that we alone cannot provide for ourselves.  Sure, intimate partnerships afford us sex but, let’s face it, we can get off on our own.  True relationships are about a deep interpersonal connections and those closest to you should be able to cheer you up when you are down, make you laugh and smile, be there for you when you need them most, and should revolve around having fun together.  Sure, we all have our ups and downs and everyone disagrees or fights for what they want so compromise, listening, and understanding play important roles.  However, if you were to way the pros and cons of all your relationships and find any where the negatives outweighed the positives, you should strongly consider cutting ties or least aim to work on the issues.

When you are in relationship with someone or have a friend whom you care about deeply, it can be hard to let them go.  Songs on the radio, tv shows, objects and personal belongings all will remind you of that person and so forgetting about their feelings is easier said then done.  This very blog reminds me of a guy I liked and cared about as friend and something more because he helped me set it up, but we no longer speak.  I could either wallow in the misery that someone who caused more tears then smiles is no longer a part of my life and give up this blog or, I can move on with my life, say good riddance, and continue posting.  Obviously I opted for the latter.  While the traces of old friendships and the ghosts of boyfriends past haunt us in our daily lives, it does get easier with time until eventually the memories will fade to the back and newer more positive remembrances take over.  While in the immediate you may feel codependent upon someone, if the pain is greater than the reward, it is time to let him/her go and move on.  As hard as it may be, understand that it is for the best and that time heals all wounds.  When struggling with the idea of letting go, having a positive affirmation can aid in calming your racing thoughts.  Marilyn Monroe said it best so I will end this with two of her quotes:

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

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