“You’re a Cool Chick and All But I’m Just Not Interested In a Relationship Right Now”

Didn’t I give it all?
Tried my best,
Gave you everything I had,
Everything and no less,
Didn’t I do it right?
Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to,
Having me around,
Still, how can you walk away,
From all my tears?
It’s gonna be an empty road,
Without me right here,

But go on and take it,
Take it all with you,
Don’t look back,
At this crumbling fool,
Just take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love

– Adele

Ladies, how many guys have you been with where you wanted something more while he claimed to not feel anything for you?  Men, how often have you really liked a girl and gotten the “it’s not you it’s me” line?  We all experience a situation or two or ten at some point(s) in our dating lives in which we allow ourselves to feel for someone while they claim to feel nothing for us (other then just below the waist of course).  As girls, we swap stories of the shitty men we date and grumble about how much men suck.  We like to rationalize and blame it on the gender and men do the exact thing about us.  However, while often times we tend to read into things that aren’t there, in some instances there is something going on that is more than meets the eye.

While over my friend’s house last night having a relaxing, chill evening enjoying various shows via Netfilix on her XBOX, we decided to watch an episode of “My So Called Life.”  For those of you who have never heard of it, MSCL is a drama from back in the 90’s when my age was not even in double digits yet.  It starred Claire Danes and I believe it was actually her big break.  I recall the show airing originally on ABC but it only survived one season.  MTV ended up picking up the show for syndication and it became an instant cult classic.  I haven’t seen the show in years but I remember loving it is as a kid.  Well, nearly 20 years later and the show’s concepts still are relevant and relatable.

In the episode I watched entitled “Guns and Gossip,” the plot line revolved around the main character, Claire Danes’ Angela, having rumors spread about her that she slept with her crush Jordan (a young, dreamy Jared Leto).  Near the end of the episode there was a moment where Jordan told Angela that she means nothing to him and he doesn’t feel anything for her.  While in this particular instance the show Hollywoodized relationships and in later episodes the two date and you realize he was lying, to her and to himself at this point in the courtship.  However, this got me thinking about how many guys I’ve dated or hooked-up with on regular basis who wouldn’t commit.  Lately, I’ve come to realize this isn’t an irritating issue that I alone face repeatedly but rather, this is a factor that effects most single girls my age.  I’ve recently been hanging out with some single friends, as opposed to my merry band of coupled-out pals, and have begun to hear them complaining about situations just like my own.  They are hooking up with certain guys and want it to be something more but because he doesn’t they all settle for what it is.  But why is it that we settle?  Why do we let men control the fate of a relationship?  Not to sound all feminist because I’m sure guys have been in similar sets of circumstances and feel the same but I just do not get why we allow our own hopes and happiness to be remodeled into someone else’s desires.  How do we make the conscious decision to sacrifice what we ultimately want so that we can enjoy some portions of needs and wants rather than losing everything all together?

Well while I obviously don’t have the answer, I do have an opinion or two about the rationale behind it.  I believe that we often subconciously or consciously convince ourselves that when he tells us that he isn’t looking for anything serious or doesn’t want a relationship right now what he really means is “keep hooking-up with me and you can change my mind” or “I do have feelings but I am not going to admit them easily so continue to be with me to draw them out.”  We like to think that they are just hiding their true emotions or that given more time with us they will learn to appreciate and love who we are and what we have to offer.  In some cases this happens to be a true.  When grumbling to a guy friend of mine about how I was dating someone who said he didn’t want a relationship, he laughed and said “no guy wants a relationship, but then one day you wake up and you realize ‘shit I’m in a relationship.'”  Hearing something like that gives us girls false hope though because this guy is somewhat of an exception and is quite romantic with his now girlfriend.  Not all guys are like this but we tend to base our interpersonal and sexual relations and decisions on the exception to the rule as opposed to the norm.  If 1 girlfriend of ours who is in a serious relationship would adamently state that her man was not looking for anything serious when they started but now he’s in love, we ignore the 30 other friends’ stories to the contrary and believe our situation can be the exception too.  But again, why do we torture ourselves?  There are plenty of guys out there that are better men or more suitable companions so why do we try so hard to make things work with the ones who do not want us?

I personally happen to have the irritating flaw of/obsession with wanting the ones who don’t feel the same  way back and this is true for both friendships and intimate relationships.  If someone isn’t interested or rejects me, I want them even more.  I somehow get myself into a situation where I am regularly or semi-regularly sleeping with guys that don’t want anything serious.  This gets me to a point where I want something and get frustrated with the lack of respect or he decides he’s bored and moves onto an easier lay (not that I’m easy though!).  I’m sure there are times I try too hard or I buy into their false intentions early in the game and get screwed.  With other guys, I just fizzle them out when I realize we aren’t compatible.  In order to protect myself from getting to attached or having sex to soon I recently had a phase where I dated guys that were not my type who I wasn’t that attracted to.  The rationale was that I would date these men and be capable of waiting a long time before caving in and having sex and in the process I would grow to be attracted to them and they would fall for me.  Well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad I suppose.  This situation backfired to the point where the guys fell for me and wanted me badly and actually were really trying (cooking me dinner, etc.) and I never gave in sexually; however, I never became attracted to them either.  Part of it was not just appearance but personality too and the whole experiment in dating made me wonder if I waited longer with other guys I’d hooked up with would I realize they weren’t compatible as well?

I have had my share of rejection and being as sensitive as I am I tend to take things far more personally than I should.  There was one guy I dated whom I really liked.  I cannot exactly articulate what it is that I loved about him, it was likely just that he had a certain je ne sais quoi about him the drew me in.  It also didn’t hurt that the sex was great and he was very attractive in an unconventional way…just my type.  He also was super sweet in the beginning and acted like he was really looking for something and we had mutual friends so I envisioned things going somewhere.  Then one day three hours before we were supposed to go on a date I got a phone call that basically said “Hey so you’re a cool chick and all but I’m not looking for a relationship right now and we can like be friends and all but I just wanna hang out with my guy friends and do the brother thing…you know?”  I think the saddest part of this story is that following this call I still would hang out with him, sleep with him, and convinced myself that someday we would be together.  Needless to say, things never worked out and I wound up getting hurt in the end when I believed that we were at the very least friends and thought he could be there for me during a tough time and he instead avoided me.

Despite things not working out, I had fun while it was good, I had  a few months of great sex, and I learned a number of important lessons.  Going through a rough time also helps you see who your real friends are and the ones who don’t call, visit, send flowers, or at least just tell you that they hope you are ok aren’t worthy of your time.  If a guy or girl ever calls you up, texts you, facebook messages you, or meets you in person to tell you that he/she doesn’t want to be with you or isn’t looking for a relationship be glad you are hearing this now while it is still early and not months or years down the line when your heart is capable of being crushed because heartbreak is far worse than rejection.  Respect their honesty and head for the hills because if you are looking for something real you sure as hell do not want to be caught up in a situation where you waste months hooking up with someone believing it will go somewhere only to get hurt and realize that you could have missed viable opportunities with men capable of commitment to be with a dick who just wants you for sex.  As I said in the Lust vs. Love article, if you take away the sex, what is there?  Would he still come around?  Would you?

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