You once made this promise to stay by my side
But after some time, you just pushed me aside
You never thought that a girl could be strong
Now, I’ll show you, how to go on
Be my bad boy, be my man
Be my weekend lover, but don’t be my friend
You can be my bad boy, but understand
That I don’t need you in my life again
It never ceases to amaze me how dumb we girls can be. We date “nice” guys who do and say all the right things but we end up hurting them or leaving them because they are boring or “too nice.” Yet when we date a guy who says words that hurt us, treats us like dirt, or is not invested in us or looking for a relationship we fall in love and allow ourselves to get hurt. I’ve done it, my friends have done it, and I’m sure you have too. It seems irrational, almost pathological to go back to the men who hurt us and to leave the ones capable of love and devotion; yet, is is statistically the norm.
I have a friend who is dating a guy presently who meets a lot of prime criteria. He is very good looking, nice, knowledgeable, educated, hard working, and has a great body. He is overall well-rounded person and would make prime boyfriend material. However, this friend states that he is kind of boring and that she secretly also has feelings for another guy. This other guy is the epitome of a bad boy all grown up. He had a kid at 19, is in his 30’s still working in a simple, thoughtless job to just pay the bills and party, and sleeps around. He would sleep with her one day then be hanging out with another girl in front of her the next. Mr. Bad Boy stated that he wasn’t looking for a relationship and it seems as though once men utter those words we want them more than ever. When we hear that they are not looking for anything serious we somehow decide that we have already fallen for them and we cannot lose them. We convince ourselves that if we try harder and we give it our all, things will turn around and they will eventually see all that we have to offer and fall for us. We also have a bad habit of wanting what we can’t have but if we can’t have it that is usually for the best in the long run…if only we could see that right away.
I once dated a “nice” guy who even went so far as to cook me dinner on his birthday. I really tried to like him but there was no attraction. I found myself irked at random things he did and the thought of having sex with him creeped me out after a while so I did the most immature thing you can do; I stopped returning his texts and he very quickly got the hint. On the flip side, I dated a guy who was likely all wrong for me. I’m what you would call a good girl (despite having a sex blog) and surprisingly enough have not slept with a lot of people, graduated summa cum laude from a good university, work two jobs, etc. I in no way think I’m better than others and if anything have an inferiority complex at times. However, I work hard, abide by the rules and laws, and am an honest, sweet person at heart. This guy had gone to jail, smoked, and was only looking for something casual while I am Ms. Goody Two-Shoes and wanted a relationship. Yet, while a number of decent guys wanted something serious with me, I went back to Mr. Bad Boy. The sad thing is, I don’t have regrets and would do it all over again despite getting hurt. Why, you might ask? Well, it’s simple, bad boys are fun and the sex is usually good. We sometimes date these guys for the same reason they are attracted to us, the challenge. We hold out on sex and they want it. They hold back on love and we desire emotionality beyond physicality. There also is some sort of a savior complex with the bad boys where we think we can be the ones to change them. We believe that we can somehow tame them and the difficulty of that prospect is exciting to us and motivates us to persist.
At my all time dating low I dated a bad boy who was the worst of the worst. He at first acted like he was attending a good college and that he wanted a relationship. Come to find out, he dropped out of school, got his license revoked for 2 DUIs, and moved back in with his mom so he could play Call of Duty and drink all day. I sure knew how to pick the winners back then. Instead of running for the hills I was convinced I could change him and help him. We dated for a little over 6 months, I got him a job, worked hard to be there for him, and was was trying to get him to be the better person I thought he could be. Instead of being appreciative, he would get shit-faced and drunk-drive to my house and break stuff. He would yell at me and throw me out of the car sometimes over dumb stuff like money (because I worked and had it while he didn’t so I paid for everything). This bad boy had anger issues, was immature, and treated me like dirt yet I convinced myself I loved him to justify being with him. Eventually I’d had enough and cut my ties with him (after he got fired from the job I got him) and I vowed to never date down and compromise myself ever again. I don’t believe in regret but I do wish I’d ditched him sooner. Yet, everything happens for a reason and I became stronger through the experience. He also is a prime example of when not to have sex on the first date. (In my defense we were talking for quite a while before officially going on a date but still, it’s never a wise move).
My roommate and I were recently talking bad boys and she was frustrated because so many of our friends go back with guys they shouldn’t when they deserve so much better and she and I have been known to do it as well. We also tend to compromise our morals and be with guys who aren’t looking for the same things so rather then cease the sex and just be friends our say good riddance, we allow them to get the milk for free in hopes that they will change their mind. We actually discussed this over some wine the other night with a male friend who laughed at the thought of a non-committal, anti-relationship guy being persuaded by free sex to stick around for something more. If they are getting what they want and you are compromising yourself to give them everything that they are looking for, why would they initiate a discussion about becoming more serious or ask you for something they were never looking for. Maybe if you walk away or if you are with someone else they may care enough to compromise some of their desires to keep you but it’s a risky game and you have to be willing to lose him–but you didn’t really have him to begin with.
It amazes me how guys will say that you two are open to sleep with other people yet they get upset if you are with someone else. They feel free to bang everything human with tits and yet we are expected to be exclusive to them. This double standard really irritates me. It’s not that I want to be with other people because I can only be actively sleeping with one person at a time. It is more that I don’t want the one guy I’m with to be with other people. Even if we aren’t exclusive, it hurts. A million questions race through my mind. Am I not good enough? Will he want a relationship with one of them? What do they have that I don’t? How can I keep compromising my morals and keep sleeping with someone who doesn’t value me? Does this make me a screwed up? Etc. While we are racking our brains with negative thoughts and an over analysis of the situation, men aren’t thinking much at all. They are thinking about what to eat for lunch, what they are doing tonight, and work. Whether this is due to some genetic predisposition or just the social construction of our genders, men tend to be casual while women lean towards neuroticism. Obviously that is a rash generalization but in the majority of cases women care too much while men do not care enough. There is really no way to rectify this. The only solution I can come up with is to not get involved with people who are wrong for you. Get to know someone before you sleep with them so you can tell if they are someone you would like to continue seeing and potentially date and stay away from those bad boys unless you want to get hurt or you are a bad girl. Nothing good comes from dating those who are wrong for us except maybe a few life lessons and some great sex…if you’re lucky.