Despite What You Were Told, If a Boy Is Mean to You That Does Not Mean He Likes You

“But, despite the truth that I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak and running around
And I think that I know things may never change
I’m still hoping one day I might hear you say
I make you feel a way you’ve never felt before
And I’m all you need and that you never want more”

-Adele

Growing up we girls were told that if a boy picked on us or was mean to us that meant he liked us.  This makes some sense in children because young boys may not understand their feelings or be confused at what they mean but adult men should know how to treat a girl like a lady and I just don’t buy this adage being applicable to anyone over the age of 13. As we got older our understanding of the dating world grew with us but somehow we females managed to ingrain the idea in our heads that mean boys act rude because they like us .  We innately respond to being treated like crap by reciprocating with feelings of love and devotion.  However, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if your man isn’t nice to you or you like a guy and he doesn’t act like he likes you back–he doesn’t have feelings for you and you should move on.

So many times in my life I have dated guys or had crushes on boys who have treated me badly and it almost seemed as if the meaner they got, the more I wanted them.  It’s all part of that wanting what you can’t have mentality too.  We always want the guys who aren’t interested or are jerks probably because we like the challenge, feel that we can change their minds, or still believe what our parents and teachers told us about the boys who pushed us on the playground.  Girls get the idea in their head that they can change a guy’s mind or if we hang out with a guy enough he will realize how great we are and develop feelings.  Yet, the reality is, if you are hanging out with him and giving him what he wants, he won’t ask for something deeper and if you are holding out and he isn’t trying to make it something more, he isn’t interested.  It’s like the movie and book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, He’s Just Not That Into You, says, if a guy isn’t nice to you or isn’t trying to get with you, he is not interested so save your energy for someone who cares.

A friends of mine was recently hanging out with a boy who would treat her like crap.  He would tell her he didn’t want a relationship and wasn’t looking for anything but would still persuade her to sleep with him.  He would ignore her calls and texts unless he wanted something or openly talk about making plans with his exes.  For some reason, when a guy does these things we pursue and persist a relationship with them and develop what we believe to be feelings for them.  This is likely us mistaking lust for love or falling in love with the idea of someone rather than the actual person (article to come).  These are easy mistakes to make and they only mean that you are human; but knowing this doesn’t make it any easier to accept the reality of it all.

I have dated guys who could be downright awful.  I was once involved with a guy who would choose Call of Duty over my booty any day and would choose boozing to a blackout level over quality time with me.  I also have dated a guy who would use me for sex and did not really care about me but I convinced myself I was love with him when really it was only the idea of him that enticed me.  He once was so rude that during sex he told me “get off me and suck my dick.”  I was stunned and replied “no.”  So, he proceeded to tell me “ok then stop because if you won’t then someone out there will” in reference to his roommate’s friends in the living room.  Well I certainly did stop and start getting dressed to leave with tears in my eyes but did I end up going home?  No.  He apologized.  He was drunk.  I forgave him.  Yet, that stung like a thousand bees and staying was like pouring my self worth into a toilet and flushing it away.  I stayed because I “loved” him and would rather be with him as he was then lose him all together.

Sadly, I had mistaken great sex and a fun friendship for love and believed there was relationship potential despite him telling me that we would never be anything more than what we were because that wasn’t what he was looking for.  I had convinced myself that he really did have feelings for me, that over time he could grow to want something more, but I was wrong.  He never really wanted anything more than sex and companionship on his terms from me and I was foolish to ever believe otherwise.  If a guy wants to date you, he will try to make it happen.  We may have friends who had a hook-up or friends-with-benefits scenario turn into romance but those are just exceptions to the rule, as He’s Just Not That Into You will confirm.  The majority of men mean it when they say they don’t want a relationship and if they treat you like shit it’s because they don’t like you and/or they are a dick.  When you encounter one of these jerks don’t doodle his name on your notebook or dream about the beautiful babies you will have.  Instead be wise and run the other way.  Save you energy, vagina, and time for someone worthy of those things.

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