Inner Struggle

Why can’t I catch a break

I shutter and I shake

To think what life normal would  be like

I can see that existence in the distance

But it seems like too mighty a hike

Perhaps if i knew of just one instance

Of someone in despair like mine

Turning things around, doing fine

Then I would have the courage to move on

The strength to fight and hold on

To a life that aches each day

That hurts in every way

To a chronic pain that slits my wrists for me

To a black cloud from which I cannot break free

Raining on what should  be a parade

Drama, Drama, such a charade

Is my life so people run

Far away from me they flee

Because at times I am not fun

And am the opposite of happy

Debbie downer

Want to drown her

Won’t shut up

Won’t go away

But the ironic crux

I have to say

When I tried to end it all

They made me stay

Down I did fall

But a few picked me up

Some ran far

Some headed for the hills

Because I was a mar

Someone who gave them chills

Still no one understands me

How I can be so despondent

How I can live so unhappy

Yet still be so respondent

Talking and smiling

Laughing and guiling

While underneath the sunshine

Is pouring rain

Though it seems so benign

It is a malignant pain

Growing in me like a cancer

I do not have the answer

Know this can not be right

But have lost the will to fight

Was saved from the depths of hell

No longer feel like just a shell

But I fear the day the hurt comes back

The day my life returns to black

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