Over the years I’ve been dumped in practically every imaginable way. One guy claimed to be moving to Maryland (my personal favorite). Others have decided that they just want to be single. Another told me he didn’t want to be obligated to hang out with me (my least fave). No matter what they say, what excuse they use, getting dumped hurts. Well, I just got my heart broken yet again and this time it was by someone I really saw a future with.
He didn’t bother to call me up or have enough respect to do it in person. I had to call him up and call him out on being different. That’s when he dropped the bomb that he doesn’t want a relationship and just wants to be single. My heart sank then broke into a million pieces. Here I was thinking this guy was great and might be the one and he doesn’t feel the same.
I went into a state of shock. It took a good day to sink in that we wouldn’t be together anymore. No more cuddling on the couch. No more great sex. No more vaporizer hits or dessert nights. No longer would I cook him dinner once a week and I would never get to see his dad’s band play like we talked about. It was over and I had been dumped. I wish that I could be mad at him for doing it the way he did but the truth is, if he wanted me back I would go in an instant because I’m pretty sure I’m in love.
I spent the past few days in a coma, half crying half sleeping because I would ware myself out shedding tears and passing out was my only escape from the pain. I know it’s sad and pathetic but at least I hadn’t reached my usual low of eating a pint of ice cream while watching “He’s just Not That Into You.” As sad and lame as I may have been, wallowing in my misery, I just couldn’t help it. Getting dumped hurts whether you really liked the guy or not because it means that he doesn’t want to be with you. This leads to an often unecessary and incorrect feeling of guilt or self-blame because you cannot help but wonder “What if…” I always get lost in the what ifs, wondering where I went wrong and what I could have done different, how I could have been better. Yet, the truth is, I could not have been any better and I really did not do a thing. This wasn’t about me, it was about him.
While at work last night I caught myself staring at the clock on the computer. This clock counted the seconds and I watched them tick away and realized that these are seconds of my life…seconds of my life slipping, wasting away. It occurred to me that much of the time in my life was just seconds ticking away, my existence passing me by. I could feel myself growing older, sadder, and more alone. Then I stopped to think that maybe this could be a moment of purpose and reassessment of my life. I realized that I don’t want to waste seconds, minutes, days, hours being sad. Yes, I got dumped. Yes, I really liked the guy. True it hurts so bad that sometimes I catch myself aching and gasping for air. Yet, I’ve been here before with guys A-N and now her I am miserable yet again with O.
Instead of wallowing in what I’ve lost, all those seconds invested in falling for him, I should not be wasting a second more because he doesn’t deserve it. The sad truth of the world is that we will waste time with people and we will get hurt but why should we allow more seconds to tick by with tears and misery. Why not just be happy with who you are and waste time laughing at all that he lost in letting you go. I may have self esteem issues but I know that I am a damn good girlfriend and I would have given him the world. Maybe that’s what makes it so hard–knowing how good I was to him, how great we could have been together, and how much I invested my all only to get burned.
There are a million quotes that I could use to describe my feelings or assuage my own upset but maybe what is most appropriate here is “if you love someone, let them go” If I love him but he doesn’t feel the same and isn’t happy with me, then it is selfish to wallow that he isn’t with me. If I care for him as deeply as I say that I do, I should want him to be happy single and let him be free even if it is not what makes me happy because sometimes love is about sacrifice.
Maybe he will realize what he lost and will come back or perhaps he is just not the one and Mr. Right is just around the corner. Or, maybe I will just die alone. However, we cannot predict what will happen to us in love and you can’t waste precious seconds in the world of “what if” or living in fear of loneliness or heartache. Sadly, to find love that does last you have to take a chance and put your heart into a relationship with someone. I took a chance and it didn’t work out and I can’t change anything in the past now, I can only move forward. So I have to decide do I want to move forward by wasting seconds crying and longing for what was or do I want to start living and discovering what will be.