Hooked on a Feeling

“You got it, you got it

Some Kind of Magic

Hypnotic, Hypnotic,

You’re leaving me breathless.

I hate this, I hate this

You’re not the one I believe in.”

-Paramore

Relationships are complicated, there is no doubt about that.  Sometimes two people seem to go together and fit in perfect harmony but the majority of the time one person cares more and there are road bumps all along the journey.  In my most recent relationship I was dumped because he didn’t have “that feeling,” as he put it, for me.  Well I had feelings for him; in my eyes everything was perfect.  How can it be that one person is headed for love while the other is headed for the door?

I guess I always figured that when in a failing relationship I would know it was a sinking ship before it went down.  I assumed that I’d have a feeling, a sixth sense that my significant other no longer wanted to be with me.  In this breakup I felt somewhat blindsided and caught by surprise.  Sure I knew something was up, that things weren’t the same and something was wrong.  Yet, I thought it was just a glitch–something we could work through.  When I called him up to find out what was up , I figured the issue was likely all in my head or was something for which an easy resolution existed.  Never did I imagine when I picked up that phone that I’d be getting my heart broken.

Getting blindsided like that hurts.  It feels like someone put a bullet through your gut and ripped the rug out from under you knocking you down to the ground with no ability to get up.  Now, I feel as though that bullet is still lodged there days later and I’m slowly bleeding out all that I have left.  It would be easier if I could hate him.  It would be easier if I could at least be mad.  Yet I can’t.

I went out for drinks with a friend last night to keep myself busy and surrounded with supportive people and she made some good points.  This guy could have been a jerk and strung me along, used me, and kept sleeping with me when he knew it would never go anywhere but he didn’t.  He could have waited months or even years to end it which would have hurt exponentially worse.  Instead he was honest and told me that that special feeling, that deep connection you are supposed to have with someone just wasn’t there.  How can I be mad if it just wasn’t there, if he wasn’t happy with me.  I can be hurt.  I can be pained and cry but I didn’t do anything wrong and neither did he.  He never meant to hurt me but you never know if that feeling will be there unless you give love a chance and try out a relationship.  He tried with me and he didn’t develop feelings.  Unfortunately, I did.

It’s been so hard because I will catch myself thinking of him.  I will randomly picture his smile or remember some great time we had together and it hurts so bad to know I will never experience those things again.  I have to forceably stop myself from flowing down a stream of memories of times we shared and things that we did together.  I find myself running to the bathroom at work to cry because sometimes it just hits me like a wave of nausea and I just burst into tears.  It sinks that it’s really over and that he doesn’t feel for me as I did for him and it’s like my whole world collapsed.  It’s crazy that we can develop such a bond with a person in such a short span of time and they can become such an important presence to effect us so strongly like this.

I can’t help but wonder how do you know when “it” is there?  How do you know that feeling if you’ve never felt it before?  How do you like someone, care about them, have fun spending time with them but not feel it?  How is it fair that one person can think “it” is there while the other feels nothing.  How can one person experience fireworks every time she kisses him yet he not feel a thing?  Relationships just seem like a cruel joke sometimes.  You invest yourself so wholeheartedly, you give your all to someone and they don’t reciprocate the emotionality that you put into it and it is the toughest thing to handle.  I’m going through a tough time now and I have to find a way to learn from this or grow from it at least to make it all worthwhile.  As hard as it is to believe in this instance, I do have a strong conviction that everything happens for a reason.  Why this had to happen to me I do not know and I may never know but maybe it is so that I can be more ready for the right one whenever, if ever, he comes along.

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