The Sneak Up Effect of Love

So earlier this week I was out with some friends at a bar trying to have a good time.  I met a guy who wasn’t really my type and whom I really had no interest in but I allowed him to buy me drinks.  After all, this is what I’m supposed to be doing to get over a broken  heart, right?  Well the night wound up being a disaster when the guy thought buying drinks equaled free reign of his hands on my body.  I tried to be polite but after a while it really started to irk me.  By the end of the night I left in tears not just because of the groping jerk but because out of the blue I was struck with the sadness of heartache and it’s been almost a month since I was dumped.

I was sitting with my best friend and her man while this creep kept trying to get his hands all over me.  I was stiff as a board while he lackadaisically draped his arm around my shoulder.  It was an unwanted touch but I allowed that line to be crossed for the sake of my friend as he was her dates good friend and I didn’t want to make a scene.  Suddenly, all I could think of was my ex and how much I missed him to the point where tears welled up in my eyes.  I didn’t want this guy touching me or even near me, I wanted my ex and yet I was never going to get him back.  It sunk in like a ton of bricks in my gut and when this guy left to go into the kitchen I ran out the door in tears.  I know it seems crazy but it finally sunk in that this is really over and I’d lost the guy I thought I was meant to be with forever.

Sure we are still friends and he is actually one of my best friends.  I talk to him everyday and he still brings a smile to my face with his sweet texts and words of encouragement while I go through a tough time at work.  Yet, we are just friends when I want it to be something more.  I still feel it and honestly don’t know how I will ever want to be with anyone else again.  No other guy appeals to me.  I had to face the harsh reality this weekend that while I want to move on and date someone new as part of getting over him, I can’t because I’m just not ready.  Not ready to move on.  Not ready to let go.  Not ready to accept that it is really over and we will never kiss or anything ever again.  How can an old wound hurt like a fresh cut out of the blue?  How can a supposedly healed wound reopen and feel as if I were stabbed all over again without any real provocation or attack?  I thought I was moving forward.  I thought I was fine then BAM all of the sudden it was if I was dumped all over again and I couldn’t breathe.  I cried in my car the entire ride home and cried myself to sleep because the guy I realized I’m in love with told me he doesn’t have feelings for me…three weeks ago.  It just doesn’t make sense.

Love sneaks up on you though.  Sometimes there can be a sensible impetus like seeing a guy who looks similar at a bar or hearing a song that had meaning in your relationship.  But sometimes there is no provocation and at random we are sneaked up on by feelings we didn’t even know were buried inside us.  I wish I could give a solution to this feeling of loss and heartbreak.  I wish I had a cure for the pain but I’m lost myself and have no idea how to get back to the old me.  Some days it feels like I’m a broken version of my former self, hallow and wounded.  I can’t help but miss him, he is an amazing person and is the closest I’d ever come to love but it’s just not fair that after all this time has passed I’m still hurting.  Why can’t I just move on?  Why can’t I just get over him?  Why does love have to sneak up on me like a thief in the night attacking a victim?  I never know when heartache will hit me be it out at a bar, at work, at home–there is no escaping it or even any way to prepare for it.  I hate feeling like this, so weak and powerless.  I hate not knowing how to fix this feeling or how to heal.  I feel as though I am supposed to have the answers or at least the strength to overcome something like this but instead I just feel pathetic.  But as long as I keep caring I will keep hurting because the power really does lie with the one who cares the least.  He is free and happy while I am utterly miserable and can’t move on.  I don’t resent him at all and I’m not mad at him for dumping me but I am hurting and broken inside because of my unrequited feelings for him.

It’s not fair that he doesn’t feel the same and it isn’t fair that I can’t just get over this but life isn’t fair and I have to find some way to healthfully deal with my emotions because random outbursts of tears and crying myself to sleep is not helping me, it is only hurting me worse.  Yet, that’s what love does to you.  It sneaks up on you when you least expect it or when you thought it was gone.  It’s great when you are first realizing you love someone but it is brutally painful when you’ve realized it isn’t reciprocated.  I think these feelings can subside and get buried deep within us but I don’t think they ever truly go away.  All we can do is try and take it one day at a time.  I haven’t cried  yet today, though writing this has been emotionally challenging, and I will do my best to make it through the day without letting my heartache hurt me and that is all that I can do.  Tomorrow I will try the same and maybe I will succeed, maybe not but I can’t worry about that yet because I just have to make it through the day.  When I can get through several consecutive days without hurting maybe then I can move on and start to date again but you still never really know when love will sneak up on you like a bullet to the gut.

One thought on “The Sneak Up Effect of Love

  1. I hope you are feeling okay. I like your blog and I identify with many of the things you say. I felt like this once about a guy for a good 5 years and it was only until he got married that I moved on. Since then, I’ve been way more matter-of-fact about love and relationships. Now, looking back, I see I wasted 5 years pining for this guy who wasn’t even into me. A guy who probably rarely, if ever, thought about me. So lame.

    Does he know how you feel about him? If not, maybe you could try telling him (without making a huge emotional scene) Say something like you are sorry but you can’t continue to be good friends with him or talk to him every day, because you have strong feelings for him. Tell him you wish you could, but it is not good for you and that you have to think of yourself before him.

    Personally I am terrified of being vulnerable in love so I hold back on my feelings until I am sure of the guys feelings towards me. I am insanely attracted to a new guy I’ve been dating and I stupidly told him. But now I am holding back and waiting to see how he feels. So far, it seems he is into me but not as much as I am into him. Because of this, my emotions for him have cooled somewhat. I just start to think… what is the point of wasting my tears on a guy who doesn’t even think/feel the same way about me? Its not fair for me and its a waste of my time and energy

    I agree, love sneaks up on you. You don’t really choose who you are attracted to, but you do choose who and what you spend your energy on. Its obviously easier said than done and I have had to really analyze my reactions before I started to think this way

    My best friend really helped me out when I got in a funk over this guy. She told me I should just do something else….anything to get my mind off it. I guess thats really the best advice there is.

    Good luck and be strong!

    .

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