So earlier this week I was out with some friends at a bar trying to have a good time. I met a guy who wasn’t really my type and whom I really had no interest in but I allowed him to buy me drinks. After all, this is what I’m supposed to be doing to get over a broken heart, right? Well the night wound up being a disaster when the guy thought buying drinks equaled free reign of his hands on my body. I tried to be polite but after a while it really started to irk me. By the end of the night I left in tears not just because of the groping jerk but because out of the blue I was struck with the sadness of heartache and it’s been almost a month since I was dumped.
I was sitting with my best friend and her man while this creep kept trying to get his hands all over me. I was stiff as a board while he lackadaisically draped his arm around my shoulder. It was an unwanted touch but I allowed that line to be crossed for the sake of my friend as he was her dates good friend and I didn’t want to make a scene. Suddenly, all I could think of was my ex and how much I missed him to the point where tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t want this guy touching me or even near me, I wanted my ex and yet I was never going to get him back. It sunk in like a ton of bricks in my gut and when this guy left to go into the kitchen I ran out the door in tears. I know it seems crazy but it finally sunk in that this is really over and I’d lost the guy I thought I was meant to be with forever.
Sure we are still friends and he is actually one of my best friends. I talk to him everyday and he still brings a smile to my face with his sweet texts and words of encouragement while I go through a tough time at work. Yet, we are just friends when I want it to be something more. I still feel it and honestly don’t know how I will ever want to be with anyone else again. No other guy appeals to me. I had to face the harsh reality this weekend that while I want to move on and date someone new as part of getting over him, I can’t because I’m just not ready. Not ready to move on. Not ready to let go. Not ready to accept that it is really over and we will never kiss or anything ever again. How can an old wound hurt like a fresh cut out of the blue? How can a supposedly healed wound reopen and feel as if I were stabbed all over again without any real provocation or attack? I thought I was moving forward. I thought I was fine then BAM all of the sudden it was if I was dumped all over again and I couldn’t breathe. I cried in my car the entire ride home and cried myself to sleep because the guy I realized I’m in love with told me he doesn’t have feelings for me…three weeks ago. It just doesn’t make sense.
Love sneaks up on you though. Sometimes there can be a sensible impetus like seeing a guy who looks similar at a bar or hearing a song that had meaning in your relationship. But sometimes there is no provocation and at random we are sneaked up on by feelings we didn’t even know were buried inside us. I wish I could give a solution to this feeling of loss and heartbreak. I wish I had a cure for the pain but I’m lost myself and have no idea how to get back to the old me. Some days it feels like I’m a broken version of my former self, hallow and wounded. I can’t help but miss him, he is an amazing person and is the closest I’d ever come to love but it’s just not fair that after all this time has passed I’m still hurting. Why can’t I just move on? Why can’t I just get over him? Why does love have to sneak up on me like a thief in the night attacking a victim? I never know when heartache will hit me be it out at a bar, at work, at home–there is no escaping it or even any way to prepare for it. I hate feeling like this, so weak and powerless. I hate not knowing how to fix this feeling or how to heal. I feel as though I am supposed to have the answers or at least the strength to overcome something like this but instead I just feel pathetic. But as long as I keep caring I will keep hurting because the power really does lie with the one who cares the least. He is free and happy while I am utterly miserable and can’t move on. I don’t resent him at all and I’m not mad at him for dumping me but I am hurting and broken inside because of my unrequited feelings for him.
It’s not fair that he doesn’t feel the same and it isn’t fair that I can’t just get over this but life isn’t fair and I have to find some way to healthfully deal with my emotions because random outbursts of tears and crying myself to sleep is not helping me, it is only hurting me worse. Yet, that’s what love does to you. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it or when you thought it was gone. It’s great when you are first realizing you love someone but it is brutally painful when you’ve realized it isn’t reciprocated. I think these feelings can subside and get buried deep within us but I don’t think they ever truly go away. All we can do is try and take it one day at a time. I haven’t cried yet today, though writing this has been emotionally challenging, and I will do my best to make it through the day without letting my heartache hurt me and that is all that I can do. Tomorrow I will try the same and maybe I will succeed, maybe not but I can’t worry about that yet because I just have to make it through the day. When I can get through several consecutive days without hurting maybe then I can move on and start to date again but you still never really know when love will sneak up on you like a bullet to the gut.