The Unfulfilling Hookup

So this past weekend a made a major error of judgement–yet again.  I was dumped about a month ago and as much as I try to put it behind me, I can’t.  I find myself crying at the most random times and now it’s gotten so hard that I can’t even bare to see him just as friends.  I think because this was the first guy I really felt a connection with and fell for I’m having trouble letting go and moving on.  But it’s so hard to move on because no one seems to compare, they all just pale in comparison.  It’s not just how great he treated me, it’s him and everything about him.  I miss our dates, dessert times, his place, his dog–everything.  I just feel so incomplete without him.  Which is crazy because I lived nearly 26 years without his presence relatively fine.  It just seems that once  you find someone who you think is the one you envision a life with them, you enmesh your life with theirs, and when it’s suddenly ripped out from under you it becomes difficult to adapt–to go back to the way life was before you found happiness, found something/someone you never knew  you were missing.  Well, I yet again hooked up with the guy I’ve now hung out with a few times in hopes of moving on, feeling better, or maybe just feeling wanted.  But instead I just made a mess of things.

I had started talking to a new guy who I wasn’t even sure liked me but there was potential for us to hang out.  He came out to visit me Friday night at the bar I was hanging out at and we talked most of the night.  Then, he had to leave early.  So, I wound up going home with the kid I’ve been hooking up with, who just so happens to be a friend of this other guy.  This other guy knew that I was hooking up with his friend but I may have led him to  believe it was over since I thought it was but he got upset with me after the fact.  I don’t believe in regret and I don’t regret hooking up with this guy but I know it will never go anywhere.  We don’t really talk and no relationship will ever come of it and with the new guy there is potential–if I can ever get over my ex.  My complicated love life came to head this weekend with me sleeping with one guy who doesn’t give a shit about me, hurting a potential new guy and screwing up any chance with him, and spending my evenings crying over my ex who will never take me back and who I need to just get over but somehow cannot seem to let go of.

I miss when things were simple and easy.  I miss the comfort of dating one person instead of this confusion of hookups and loss.  I don’t want to just sleep with some random guy friend here and there because it’s available and makes me feel wanted.  I want to actually be wanted and respected by a guy who takes the time to get to know me and who actually likes me as person and who doesn’t just see me as someone to sleep with.  I tend to mistake attraction for relationship potential and end up sleeping with the wrong guys.  Then when I find the right ones they leave me because I’m apparently not good enough and it is beginning to really take a toll on my self esteem.  If I’m good enough to sleep with and be friends with, how can I not be good enough to be a girlfriend?  I make a great girlfriend and I know it yet how do you advertise that to people?  How do you let the good guys know that you’re a good girl?  How do you find a good guy when there seems to just be a sea of assholes and dipshits out there.

Sure, I messed my own life up by getting involved with the dipshits but I just feel like I’m falling apart and making a mess of my life for no good reason.  It’s like ever since I got dumped I’ve been on this downward spiral sexually and emotionally in an attempt to feel better.  Ironically all I’ve managed to achieve is to feel worse.  It seems like just yesterday I got my heart broken and no matter how many days pass it still feels like it just happened and I don’t know how to alleviate my upset over this loss.  Sex doesn’t work.  Friends aren’t helping.  Going out and having fun seems impossible.  Maintaining a friendship with him has only led to me miss him more.  I’m just at a loss at how to move on and feel worthwhile again.  I felt so good with him, like I was with the right person for once and I was finally happy.  Now I’m just back to miserable and I don’t know how to be happy without him.  It’s not fair that he dumped me and it’s not fair that I’m a miserable mess and he’s fine without me.  As much as I care about him and want the best for him a malicious part of me wishes that he was hurting now too so I wasn’t alone in this.  I know that’s wrong but I can’t help it.  If I’m a wreck and everything hurts all the time can’t he hurt just a little?  I’m sure I will get tons of  hate responses on this because I will seem pathetic but I can’t help how I feel and I am just hoping that if others out there feel the same they will share their stories or words of wisdom below.

I’d really like to get back to my usual self but I just don’t even feel like I know who I am anymore.  I’m not the type of girl who hooks up with a guy she doesn’t know that well or who cries over a breakup that happened a month ago but here I am doing just that.  I used to be a girl who so carefully chose who she slept with, who had it all together and now I just feel like a mess.  I miss my ex every day and I make dumb decisions because of it.  Worse yet, this hookup I had on Friday wasn’t even worth it.  It wasn’t bad but it was just unfulfilling.  I realize now that I can’t have casual sex.  It’s just not for me.  I need the relationship component, the cuddling after, the going out for dates, all that shit.  Just sex alone isn’t enough for me.  It makes me feel great for a few minutes then I’m back to miserable.  In order to start feeling better I need to learn to be happy with myself–my alone self–and I need to be able to find a real relationship and make a connection with someone.  If not, I will stay in this same state of moroseness and never really move on.  I need to stop seeing my ex, stop sleeping with this guy that is going no where, and figure out who I am.  I need to just do me right now.

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