Hello all. I’m sure for those you who did read my blog regularly you were wondering where I’ve gone. Well a few big changes have happened in my life, the main one being that I got a new job. I no longer sit in a private office with enough spare time to work on my blog, I sit in a surprisingly nice cubicle surrounded by the execs and VPs…so I can’ t typically work on personal projects. However, as I miss writing in this daily I will try to find the time each day to at least do one post and keep Sexiquette going. After all, I do drive around with a Sexiquette sticker on my bumper so I can’t really let down all the new onlookers driven to the site by my promotions. Plus, I can’t let down my loyal fans.
The other major change was that I recently have gone through a breakup. As you recall in my last post that I since have removed, I had a dilemma where I wanted to get boxing lessons from an old hookup and was conflicted about whether or not I should do it due to the fact that I had a boyfriend. Well, I never took the lessons and due to very separate reasons, my boyfriend and I are no longer together. He was not a fan of the blog, only because he is a very private person and did not want our person lives, mainly his personal life, up on the internet for the world to see. Well, since we are over I suppose there really is not much holding me back from writing other than my sense of professionalism in the workplace.
So, what to write about in my first post… I guess the main topic on my mind is the whole concept of staying friends after a relationship. Provided that we don’t part ways badly, I like to remain friends. Maybe part of me hopes that this will enable us to get back together since typically I am the one who gets my heart broken but I think part of it is also that I’ve grown accustomed to having this person in my life and I would be sad to have them cut out completely. Well, I had wanted to stay friends with this most recent boyfriend, and I will admit part of it was in selfish hopes of rekindling what we had but a bigger part of it was that I loved hanging out with him. We have fun together and I had grown comfortable with him. A lot has happened in my life, though I suppose not more than in most people’s lives, and it can take me a little while to really open up to someone about all that I have been through. (Though I seem to not mind airing all my dirty laundry on the web for the world to read). Anyway, I had really grown close to him, especially after spending Christmas with him and his family. I loved his family and I’d grown to love him and then he ended it.
I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault, though he swears it isn’t, because I feel like I didn’t appreciate him enough until it was too late. When we first started dating I had still had feelings for an old flame and it complicated our relationship potential. But I got over that person and really grew to care for this new guy only he got afraid of how close we were getting and afraid he’d never be able to love me so he ended it.
So, I had wanted to remain friends and, in the beginning, we were. We talked a lot and would text virtually every day but soon enough all that ended, mainly because he didn’t want to keep a friendship going. He feels that it is weird to stay friends with someone you have dated largely because the one girl he dated for four years was awful to him and treated him like dirt and it was a long hard road to ending things with her. He doesn’t see how people who’ve dated can stay friends, especially if the attraction is still there because it will be difficult not to sleep with one another. He also thinks that if two people were in a romantic relationship, transitioning to one of friendship does not make sense because they are separate concepts. However, I see romantic relationships as a close friendship accompanied by sexual attraction and physicality. The friendship aspect of a relationship is in my opinion, the best part. It is the close relationship, the comfort with one another, the knowledge that someone is there for you when you need them, and the ability to rely on someone that is most important to me. The physicality is just this great bonus aspect that separates friendship from romantic involvement. There are three type of relationships, friendship without romanticism, friendship with romanticism, and physicality without romanticism (my least favorite because it leaves you the least satisfied and feeling cheap). Sure there are all sorts of in between levels within these categories but these are mainly where life relationships fall into.
So my current dilemma is that I want to remain friends and he does not. For a while he would want to hang out and we would make plans that he always had to cancel for one reason or another and eventually we just stopped trying. We have hooked up a few times but that only makes me miss him more and feel used. Sure I love having sex with him and being that close to him but after it is over and I leave I feel used and cheap. He had always really respected me and cared about me as a person and to have him use me purely for sex and not want to enjoy the other great aspects of our connection hurt. I’m now stuck in this place where I want to see him and be with him because I hope that we get back together but in my heart I know that it is over but I just don’t want to accept it. So, I will likely hook up with him a few more times until I find a new guy and am ready to open up and share my life with someone new. But this all begs a really important question. Can you really become just friends after a relationship is over? Have any of you successfully maintained a friendship long term post breakup?