Oh dating, why do you have to be so complicated?! I have a friend who currently has gone on a few dates with a guy who has literally done everything right. He pays, he’s respectful, he makes his intentions known, and he is mature enough and looking for something serious–just what she could ask for. The only problem is, she isn’t sexually attracted to him. To make things more complicated she recently met and hooked up with a guy she is very sexually attracted to but who is all wrong for her to date. He is much younger, has never really been in an adult relationship, and likely will not date her. His friend is a player and he likely will play my friend too but she still wants to give things a try. What is it with us women that we get ourselves into these situations?
We say we want a relationship with a good guy who treats us right but then one comes along and we aren’t sexually attracted. Then the ones we are physically desirous of want no such commitment with us and we crave them more, leaving the nice guy to finish last. We date multiple people at once because we can’t have the one we really want so we settle for seeing a few guys and hoping it works with one while stressing it will work with all or none. I am the type of girl who likes to date one guy at a time and wants it to be that movie/fairy tale romance but the older I get the more unrealistic I realize that this is. Guys date around so why shouldn’t we? Moreover, those cinematic romances don’t exist in real life. I will never find someone whom I’m passionately attracted to, looks like Ryan Gosling, and treats me amazingly. These guys just don’t exist and love isn’t so storybook. I’m not saying that we all settle for the less attractive nice guys but we eventually give in to the reality that the super hot guys whom we have the best sex with just aren’t cut out for commitment.
My friend isn’t sure what to do. Should she continue dating both and just see where things go? She hasn’t even dated the hot one yet, she merely has slept with him which likely wasn’t the best idea but it was a heat of the moment decision and she doesn’t regret it because she had fun. However, if she wanted a relationship with this guy should she have waited? Part of me believes that if a guy really likes you, when you sleep with him is completely irrelevant. If he’s the relationship type or is at least ready for commitment, he will give that to you when he’s ready regardless of how quickly you gave it up. The other part of me feels that he may think she does that sort of thing often, which she doesn’t, or that she is trashy. Without taking time and getting to know her as a person first, how will he ever learn to want anything more than sex with her. Sure, over time engaging in a physical relationship, conversations will ensue and he may realize he wants more but he likely will want more with the girl who makes him wait.
I feel like I always go back to this age old question of when you should sleep with a guy and if the timing of sex effects relationship potential. Are they inversely proportionate to each other or do they make a Bell curve–or does it truly not even matter?? I really wish the answer was clear cut and simple but it just isn’t. Each guy and each sexual situation are different. Yet, in my experience, if you give it up too soon they don’t stick around long enough to date you or they become just a guy you hook up with every once and a while. So, should she have waited if she wanted to actually date him, probably, but does she regret the fun night she had with him, no. And, as for the guy she’s dating but is not really attracted to…what is she to do there? Keep dating him hoping for him to grow on her or end it before he gets really hurt? This is a more sticky situation than the one with the other guy because feelings are involved and there is actual relationship potential. I just can’t help but feel like if you aren’t attracted to someone but you date them because they are a good person you are on some level settling and will never feel fully satisfied in your relationship. This will result in it ending at some point because you want to be with someone else, are unhappy and it grows worse over time, or you always have that feeling like something is missing or lacking. As things progress and he wants a relationship, an place together, a marriage, a family–how long can you hold out when that feeling isn’t there?
All this talk about feelings makes me wonder about my own failed relationships. I’ve always slept with guys whom I’ve been very attracted to and who are conventionally very good looking. I also almost all the time became very emotionally tied to these people and have wanted a relationship and was hurt when things didn’t work out. One guy that I dated for three months decided to suddenly end things because “that feeling wasn’t there” and I can’t help but wonder–does that mean he wasn’t sexually attracted to me and just kept hoping it would work? Or, was he only sexually attracted to me and didn’t feel that there was a deeper connection? I feel like that phrase means different things to men and women and I wish he and I were still on good terms so I could ask him exactly what he meant by that but sadly that friendship has fizzled. I think the concept of “that feeling” for women is more based on physical, sexual attraction whereas for men that feeling is the emotional connection–that thing that makes them want to stop being a player or sleeping around and actually commit to one woman. Women tend to need that physical connection to be able to sleep with someone and without that special feeling, they just can’t make things work even with the nicest of guys.
Ultimately, while the timing of sex shouldn’t really matter, I feel as though we are socially constructed to believe that a girl must make a guy wait and if you sleep with him too soon you will never have a long lasting, committed relationship. My friend should keep seeing both for now and definitely not put all her eggs in one basket and then cut ties with one either if that feeling never comes about or if one asks her to be exclusive–whichever she decides. It is important to note however that looks aren’t everything and they fade with time while personality is pretty much forever after one enters adulthood. Once a good, respectable guy, always a good respectable guy. Yet, if the attraction isn’t there can it really ever work. Only time will tell and I think she should date around and just have fun until things become serious with any one of her suitors. What are your thoughts?