About This Page
My parents used to read to me since my first nights in the crib and taught me how to read for myself long before the public education system did. Not long after I began to read did I pick up a pen and paper and start writing stories of my own. Since the first grade I have been crafting worlds and characters where the only bounds were those of my imagination. Obviously my early works consisted of backwards letters and an abundance of misspellings but over time I worked at perfecting my craft. However, outside of school papers or corporate correspondence, presentations, and abstract submissions I shared my writing with no one. Writing for me was never about the opinion or approval of others, but rather, served as a cathartic, enjoyable escape from my world. Whether I was articulating emotions that I couldn’t vocalize or engendering a fictional world with protagonists stronger than I or antagonists that were not always defeated, I was writing for me and never anyone else.
There is a colloquialism that states “eyes are the window to the soul.” Well, for me, so is writing. It is the most genuine and intense form of self-expression one can engage in and facilitates transparency of the mind. This blog is the first time I am really sharing anything I’ve written with the outside world. While most of my writing has been lost in computer crashes and moves over the years, I have a few poems from over the summer of 2010 I thought that I would share in case anyone wanted to read them. My personal writing definitely appeals only to a niche market and is pretty macabre, but I grew up reading Plath, Steinbeck, Salinger, and Palahniuk so I sometimes emulate their styles, unintentional or not. I hope to write more personal works in the near future and share them so I would love to hear feedback, good or constructive.
Poems from 2011
I couldn’t fight it.
Fell for you at first glance.
I never stood a chance.
My heart melts in your smile.
I’ve known all the while.
Couldn’t tell you,
Afraid you’d run,
Tell me we are through,
And stop all the fun.
Now I’m so despondent.
Had I happened upon it
When you were more ready,
Able to handle something steady.
Perhaps you could have felt it too,
Fell for me as I fell for you.
Sensed a connection,
Returned my affection.
Held me in your arms,
Turned on all your charms.
Whispered in my ear,
“I love you my dear.”
Instead you avoid me,
Refer to me as a friend.
Wish I could be free,
That this love could end.
Yearn to start anew,
With someone who isn’t you.
Yet I will take it to my grave,
Because I am not so brave,
To tell you to your face,
How I long for your embrace.
That it is you with whom I want to grow old,
Cherish you dearly to have and to hold.
Instead I will keep quiet,
And be with you as we are.
This love for you I fight,
As it gives you such fright.
Would rather have you as I can,
See you every once and a while.
And while I’d love for you to be my man,
Dating just isn’t your style.
So I meet you where you are,
Knowing it will never go far,
Because while you mean everything to me,
You are ambivalent and free.
You don’t feel the same.
And for that I am to blame.
For I should have never let down my guard,
Should not have fallen so fast and hard.
But I cannot change the past.
I cannot escape this emotion.
So I will keep wearing this mask,
And for eternity you will have my devotion.
Thorn in the Rain
Kisses like roses
Soft petal touches.
Rubbing our noses.
We were like crutches,
Leaning onto each other.
Teardrops like raindrops.
Pulsing, all aflutter,
Goes never stops,
Is my heart as you mutter,
I love you my dear
With all of my soul
Have no fear
For together we’ll grow old.
Then one day I awake
And you are off and gone.
Gone without a trace,
But your memory lingers on.
You haunt me in me dreams.
You disturb me in my days.
Ripped me open at the seams,
As if from a grave you raised.
Following me as I walk,
Interrupting me while I talk.
So hard to live my life,
When you drag me into the depths
Of hell with all your strife
‘Til of me there’s nothing left.
Wasting, withering, fading to black.
My brain I do wrack,
In search of way
Of getting myself back.
Don’t know what to say
To make you come back.
Don’t know what to say
To make you go away.
If I can’t have you for real
So tangible and true,
If you are not leal,
Then I don’t want you.
Stop haunting me,
Stop killing me,
Go bother someone else.
Get out of my life,
You’re a hazard to my health,
Like a dagger or knife
Twisting and retching,
Stabbing my heart.
Carving and etching,
Slicing me apart.
I scream and kick
This joke is sick,
All my ferver gets me nowhere,
You are still here at my side
The real you does not care,
You had your free ride,
Used me and lied
Then run and hide
‘Til you find someone new
To wreck and to ruin
Because when you are through
Off you will run.
All that you’re good for
Is causing heartache and pain.
You are not my rose anymore,
You are a thorn in the rain.
But from your grasp
I will get free.
Though you are a horned asp
I am me,
Powerful and strong
Resilient and brave,
Will move right along
Put you back in your grave
Of boyfriends past
And my life I will recast.
Waisting time and contesting life,
Letting you lead me to inner strife.
Best friend gone afar,
Turned your back on me.
Left me like a door ajar,
Trapped, yearning to be free.
Seeing glimmers of hope,
Shattered, slammed in my face.
How am I to cope,
When my positivity has been erased?
You used to be my person,
The one I turned to for advice.
Yet when my condition worsened,
You didn’t dare think twice.
Headed for the hills,
Pushed me off a cliff.
Down I fall with pills,
Fading, wondering what if?
What if I could be whole,
Happy, positive with light?
Could feel joy and extol,
Rather than suffer all this plight?
Depression like a storm cloud,
Endless black cold rain.
Never able to be proud,
Forced to endure only pain.
Anxiety like an earthquake,
Shaking me to my core.
Make it stop for Heaven’s sake,
I can’t take it anymore.
What if I had made a different choice,
Acted in a converse way?
Would I be able to rejoice,
Feel relief for what I did not say?
I’ve lost my best friend,
Yet not my one and only.
Is this truly the end?
Were you always such a phony?
Strive to forget you,
Accept that we are through.
Appreciate the love I have,
Pave a new path.
With colored bricks
And sunshine rays,
No longer sick,
No more rainy days.
But I just can’t bare to be alone,
Try to talk but you hang up the phone.
Reach out, strive to stay alive,
But sometimes life is impossible to survive.
The Us That Never Was
The things I used to love so much,
Are tainted with the memory of you.
Now I’m lost without your touch,
How will I ever make it through
All this suffering and pain?
Life will just never be the same.
So bottoms up, I give a toast
To the you, the us that never was.
I let you go with no repost
I was frozen in a pause
Still haven’t said everything I’d like
But I must just make my peace,
Give up this tragic strike,
End all of my sorrow,
And start living for tomorrow.
I’ve nothing left to say.
You chose to run away
From the love in my heart
And tear me apart
When I was already aching
Shattered, cracked and breaking.
You kicked me to the curb.
You tossed me aside
Because I dared to disturb
Your carefree ride
All at the costly expense
Of my heart and sinew.
How could I be so dense
As to trust a fool like you.
Now my favorite lyrics and songs
Are tainted with a lingering you.
And despite all my wrongs,
I truly cared about you.
Though it’s not that I long for you,
As we are now and forever through.
You broke my heart and trust,
I mistook love for lust.
Never felt something real,
Yet I will need time to heal
From the knife wound in my back.
Need time and space to get myself back.
So bottoms up, I give a toast,
To the you, the us that never was.
You a parasite, me a host.
Wherever I go, faintly hear the buzz
Of you in my ear
Which incites a fear
That I lost something great
Then I get my head straight
And remember your true face.
Realize that me with you is a disgrace
Because you drain my life,
Only cause strife,
Leave me a broken shell,
Remnant of my former self.
Send me to my own hell.
Are a hazard to my health.
But I will learn to re-love what I cherish most,
Patch up my wounds with sturdy gauze.
So bottoms up, I give a toast
To the you, the us that never was.
I’m better off without you,
Free from your hold
Will find something true,
While alone you will grow old.
Because the lies you live become you
And you lose sight of what is real.
You will forget how it is to feel.
I gave you love and boundless pleasure,
But you chose to just waste not treasure
My kindness and virtue.
I never meant to hurt you.
But you intentionally shook my soul
And friends’ trust you stole.
But I will move on
Because I am strong
And you will hold on
For the day I say so long
For now you are merely a ghost.
And I see all your flaws.
So bottoms up, I give a toast
To the you, the us that never was.
If I thought that you’d forgive me.
Jump off a rock quarry,
Plunge into the sea.
Sink beneath the surface,
Submerge deep within the water.
Feeling like I have no purpose,
Asking one love me is too tall an order.
But your forgiveness should not matter,
Tears should not fall from my eyes.
Like raindrops into puddles they splatter,
And all of this based on lies.
I implore you to forgive me,
To feel for me as I do for you.
But if I really want you happy,
I must accept that this is something you cannot do.
I love you for all the wrong reasons,
Change my mind with all the seasons.
I love you, I hate you.
I hate me, I love him.
He loves her, she loves you.
Lights go out, I go dim.
Then the sun rises,
And I awaken.
See through all your guises,
No longer shaken.
I do not love you,
I’m in love with the idea of you.
Stop my obsession on the dime,
No longer waste my time.
Love myself first,
And the rest will fall into place.
Accept that I am not cursed,
That my life is not a waste.
We are just not meant to be,
So I must set you free,
In order to do what is best for me.
For us to live ever after happily,
We must lead our lives separately.
Poems from Summer of 2010
I look in the mirror and hate what I see,
Where is that girl who I used to be?
Wisdom gained but at what cost?
Sadness earned, innocence lost.
Bridges burned, coins tossed.
Corners turned, lines crossed.
Friends turned foe.
Oh where did she go?
Where did I go?
Does anyone know?
So far gone am I now,
Where, when, why, how?
How have I been taken
Kidnapped by emotion,
My soul forsaken
Without any commotion?
I look in the mirror and hate what I see,
Who is that girl staring back at me?
Where is that smile?
Where is that grace?
My gaze used to beguile
Now I’m a disgrace.
Where is that sweetness that everyone adored?
When did I grow up and become so deplored?
Detested, dejected for being so lost,
So depressed and glum, so riddled with exhaust.
Can barely move except to cry,
A tragic zombie waiting to die.
Once an innocent girl so engaging and composed,
Like the bud of a flower just before the bloom,
But now that I’ve gone off course, been used and exposed
Such high hopes quickly extinguished with gloom.
The girl everyone thought would be so successful,
The one they all admired with so much potential,
Has squandered her gifts because life got too stressful,
Like paradise lost she became inconsequential.
You know what they say about the best laid plans,
Perhaps she should have been in more capable hands.
But she yearned to be free, get out on her own,
So she pushed everyone away and wound up alone.
I look in the mirror and hate what a see
Is that my reflection? No it just can’t be.
I don’t know this girl, who is she?
Someone help her, set her free.
Her cheeks so sallow, her eyes black
Tears streaked down her pale face.
Looks like the victim of a terrible attack,
She’s no hope left, not even a trace.
Tattered, disparaged, utterly broken
Her body covered in scrapes and contusions,
I stare at her yet she remains unspoken,
Isolated and still, trapped in seclusion.
I reach out to her and she to me.
Both of us display a look of confusion
As we hit an invisible door without any key
It is only then that I reach the conclusion
That she and I are one and the same.
And I like a candle that’s lost its flame,
Once burning brightly, guiding the way
Now I’ve gone out, the world has turned gray.
Darkness, blackness, gone is my light.
Now we both share a look of fright.
I and this girl I don’t recognize
She is the byproduct of my demise,
Of a girl who once brought smiles and cheer,
Who has lost her style and incites fear.
Someone who others used to revere,
Has developed into a case so severe
Of deep set depression
And pent up aggression
That drained her of her life
Of her will to fight.
Gave all of herself to end the strife,
Gave all of her might.
And in the end she was defeated,
And of her soul she was depleted.
I look in the mirror and hate what I see
‘Cause the doleful girl staring back is me.
Gone is my virtue and my sweet smile,
I must face the truth, end this denial.
There is no mysterious stranger
I need not fear, there is no danger
I am the girl who’s committed defection
Who’s abandoned all hope at finding affection.
I am the one in no way optimistic
Who’s fallen victim to a treacherous past
Filled with adversaries so sadistic
And a suffering so unbearably vast.
Mirror Mirror on the wall
Why am I the least fairest girl of all?
Why have I lost all that mattered,
Allowed my dreams to be completely shattered
Pushed away all those who tried to aid?
Why in this place of misery have I stayed?
It’s time I wipe these tears.
It’s time I end my fears,
Find someone to light the flame,
Lose this girl without a name.
Vanquish her and restore my soul,
Get back the innocence that which she stole.
Reattach the broken pieces of my existence
Put me back together, make me whole.
Return to my life meaning and subsistence
Go back to being the girl who others extol.
Easier said than done
But still I will obstinately try
For the day she has won
Is the day that I die.
I Love You But
You promised to love me always and said that I was special.
As a child you sat me on your lap and read me stories like Hansel and Gretel.
You took me to the park and watched me on the swings
“Careful not to go too high, you don’t have wings!”
You taught me all I know about love by taking care of me, seeming to expect nothing in return.
You taught me how to feel, but yanked my hand off the stove so that I would not burn.
You tucked me in at night, and brought me water at 2 in the morning.
You would start a fight and often hit me without warning.
You taught me how to tie my shoe and read my favorite book.
We used to make dinner together, pasta, soup, or broccoli we would cook.
You taught me how to wash the dishes and also how to break them in anger.
You bought me my first Barbie and a hot pink car for her, which you also broke in anger.
Because of you I learned to ride my bike without training wheels.
You used to smile when I played dress up and wear Mommy’s heels.
Then you threw out my dress up clothes, hit Mommy, and called her a bitch.
Bought me a birthday cake, lit the candles, and asked that I make a wish.
You gave me my first journal and encouraged me to write,
Soon after you beat me to ground and introduced me to the feeling of fright.
You promised to love me always as long as I listened and was a good girl.
Then I grew up to be your princess and in my pink dress I would twirl.
You used to carry me around the house for a piggy back ride,
To which I would I would laugh and squeal with delight.
Sometimes you scared me so much that I would run away and hide,
Leave the house and sleep in the gazebo in the park for the night.
You taught me how to smile because it was something I would always try to earn from you.
You taught me how swim and hold my breath underwater until I was blue.
You taught me everything I know about love
By meeting my expressions of affection with indifference.
You showed me how to rise above
By making me fight hard for my deliverance.
You taught me how to be real
By never once being sincere.
You taught me what it was to feel
By bringing to life my every fear.
Thanks to you I am stronger, wiser, and tough.
You would bring me to tears just because you could
But if I hadn’t cried because I was never good enough
I would never have grown up to show you how tall I still stood.
You taught me all I know about truth
By feeding me nothing but lies.
I always asked for the proof,
To which you snapped “don’t get wise.”
You promised to love me always, no matter what
Then I grew up and you said “I love you but…”
“But only if you think like I do”
But never smarter than me.”
“But only if you do as I do”
But never better than me.”
“But only if you don’t ask questions or try to feel alive.”
“But only if you never achieve things, just strive.”
“But only if you do as I say and never ask me to prove my love in return.”
“But only if you allow me to take from you all that you earn.”
“But only when you stay out of my way and seem to disappear.”
“But only when you’re a good girl and bring Daddy a beer.”
“But only when you hide the pain you feel each day
So that I never have to care or think of something to say
To make you feel better or cheer up or make you smile
Or one day still be in your life and have to walk you down the aisle.”
You promised to love me always with a few stipulations.
Then I grew up and realized that it was purely for your reputation.
Wouldn’t want the neighbors to think you were a bad Dad.
Wouldn’t want everyone to know that you spit on what you had,
That you brought a child into this earth for which you felt nothing for in your heart.
So you lied, manipulated, and played everyone for the fool while you tore me apart.
You taught me about being there and showing someone that you care
By missing my high school graduation and having multiple affairs.
From you I learned to how to survive and “fake it ‘til you make it.”
Because I had to pretend that everything was ok even when I wanted to cry.
Thanks to you I worked hard in school, made honor roll, developed a literary wit
Because if I didn’t do all that I could to escape you, by my own hand I would die.
You taught me how to be the best that I could be
By showing me exactly who I did not want to become.
In the end you never to had to leave me, never had to flee
You just stopped pretending to care and went emotionally numb.
You promised to love me always if I went back to who I was as a kid.
Then I grew up and realized that you never would love me and that you never really did.
You told me I was wrong, stupid, useless, and that you knew best.
I told you that I am smart and strong and am going places in life without you.
I grew up right despite you not because of you, felt good to get that off my chest.
I said that I can’t do this anymore, I give up on you, it’s over, I’m through.
You didn’t fight for me, you didn’t plead your case.
You lied to me so many times and right to my face.
I begged and implored for your love, but I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I told you I was going away for good and walked out the door.
You were silent behind me except for the turning of the lock.
My emotions and reaction were anything but shock.
For a while I was scared of who I had become.
I was checking out, feeling emotionally numb.
But the tears I have cried since and the happiness I have learned to feel
Showed me that we make our own fate and that we can heal.
Too Close is Never Close Enough
So hard to walk by your side just an inch within your grasp,
To be that close to you and only dream to touch,
To long to hold your hand, fingers interlocked and tightly clasped.
Can’t find the words to say, feel I’ve already said too much.
Yearning for the days when I could peer into your eyes
And feel a sense of comfort as you looked amorously back.
Now I’m smiles on the outside, but within I hide my cries.
Have to let my feelings of adoration for you go or I will surely crack.
So hard to be with you and stare across the table at your familiar face,
To watch your mouth move as you speak through your delicate lips.
Hear your sweet voice yet not be able to fall into your embrace,
To have to restrain myself from leaning in to give you a gentle kiss.
To not place my hand upon your cheek or gaze into your blue eyes,
To have to act like nothing’s wrong and put on a contented guise.
To sit by your side and feel such a strong connection
But have to remain composed, refrain from all affection.
To know that we can be so much more than just friends
But you refuse to try since there could be heartache if it ends.
So hard to know that you feel something too
But are scared to gain ‘cause you’re afraid to lose.
Rather than enjoy something effortless and true,
Abstain from our emotions is what you choose.
I didn’t have a say, had to accept what you were willing to give
What’s the point in being alive if you are too timorous to live?
Why make a move and start something with me at all
If you were only going to quickly put an end to it?
Why ask me to bear my soul and incite me to fall,
Allow me to start to feel and then just up and quit?
You were the perfect gentleman, nicer to me than all the ones before
Actually listened to what I had to say and weren’t in it just to score.
You pulled me in and I foolishly let down my guard
Then you pushed me away from which I fell hard.
You still continued to see me, offering me false hope
But being with you lost its luster and I began to mope.
Confused, not knowing what you wanted
Not a clue what you were looking for.
Now by the ghost of us I am haunted
Longing for what we had before.
So hard to face that it’s over since it had really just begun,
Just started to get to know one another, let loose and have fun.
Felt a strong connection to you right away
A comfort ‘cause you get me like no one else does
Confided in you things that I rarely ever say,
Shared with you my past, told you who I was.
You in return imparted secrets, showed an emotional vulnerability
Entranced by your sweetness, sensitivity, and sensibility
Butterflies in my stomach, racing heartbeat
Kisses like fireworks, touch like electricity
Felt a connection from the moment that our eyes did meet
You are such an extraordinary person refined with simplicity
Can’t imagine being free from all these feelings
And moving on to someone new.
Can’t wait to finally start healing
And find something that is true.
So hard to still be with you as you remain a close friend
Because I’ve yet to amply liberate my affections.
You still arrest my mind and my comprehension you transcend.
Still make me smile and say charming things with a familiar inflection,
In that melodic voice which I never tire of hearing
Speaking sweetly as I keep from tearing
Facing that you and I are strictly platonic
Has left me numb, frozen, and catatonic.
Accepting the dissolution of all my precipitate dreams.
Need to break my habit of going to emotional extremes.
Being with you just inches from your touch is impossibly tough,
It’s just too close to bear ‘cause I can’t get close enough.
I’ll always hold a place for you in my heart, tiny but ever present
If even after years apart, you decide to change your mind.
Though this place will not forever force me to lament
The loss of you and I as it will be utterly confined.
There never really was a you and I as we stopped before we started,
I was saddened, I was hurt, but I wasn’t left broken hearted.
Eventually I will go on and I will learn to love you as a friend
But with secret hope that this is not really the end.
That you will one day have a change of heart
And allow our chance at love to have a fair start.
If I were to get lost, would anyone implore I be found?
Or would no soul alive even notice I were gone?
Would anyone care if I wasn’t around?
Or would they be sad for a day but then just move on?
In my heart of hearts I wonder if anyone truly cares,
If my friends are true allies, who’d be there for me in a pinch,
Or if they are my dearest companions but I am not theirs.
And if the very thought of me makes them shiver and flinch,
Because they can’t stand my voice and find me annoying
Or they think I’m too cynical, jaded, or morose.
Are fed up with my histrionics or find me cloying,
Or consider me too clingy and fear getting close.
I get too easily excited and my hopes get so high
Then I get let down or have my heart utterly broken,
And the voices inside whisper ways I can make myself die.
Sometimes the worst things said are the words unspoken.
When I wait for a call but the phone doesn’t ring,
Go on a date only to hear “let’s just be friends.”
When all he is looking for is quick, meaningless fling,
And I mistake it for love and am shocked when it ends.
When I try my hardest and devote myself to something entirely,
Only to fail with a result so calamitous or have it terminated direly.
It is then that I realize how unlikeable I am,
How squandered and pointless my life has really been,
How useless my existence has turned out to be,
How un-proud my Mom and Dad must be of me.
What a waste of potential, 18 years they’ve invested,
To have me turn out to be so universally detested.
But worse than all those spurious relationships
With friends and guys who never bothered to care for me,
Is the hardest thing of all to accept and come to grips,
That I hate myself most of all, am my own worst enemy.
Can’t look in the mirror because I want to claw my face apart
Can’t listen to the voices in my head ‘cause to them I’ll never be perfect,
Want to rip from my chest my still beating, disconsolate heart,
I’ll never find a person alive with whom I can truly connect,
Doomed to die alone and most likely by my own hand,
Because I hate being me, am my least biggest fan.
Drive over a bridge and dream to let go, veer my car into the water,
Crash in so deep and drown all of my sorrow.
I’m sorry Mom and Dad, for being such a terrible daughter,
For not fighting harder to make it until morrow.
But then again I know you really don’t care, don’t love me at all,
But certainly would love the attention you would get from my “fall.”
All your neighbors and friends would be feeling sad for your loss,
And you’d soak up all the attention despite feeling no pain,
If my love were tangible, into the garbage it would be tossed,
Because all you ever really felt for me was disdain.
Used to dream of finding love, which was all that could get me through the day
Working at a job that I hated, just in it for the pay.
Now that I know I’m destined to never find love,
Days and nights are consumed with visions of ending my life,
This is not something from which I can rise above,
The only escape is through pills, a noose, or maybe a knife.
Trapped in a bell jar stewing on my own sour air,
This is a hurt far worse than just plain depressed,
I’ve felt too much pain, far more than anyone should bear,
Now I need to escape and lay my soul to rest.
I have loved but never been loved in return,
I have worried but never been of anyone’s concern,
I have cried but never have been the cause of tears,
I have seen a lot of things in my twenty-five years,
But never had the one thing I wanted more than any,
Something so seemingly easy as it has happened for many,
For someone to love me and make me the center of their life,
Who could not live without me and who would make me his wife.
Who would vow to cherish me and ‘til death do us part,
Who I would love in return and who would hand me his heart.
But I was not meant for such bliss to ever befall me,
I was destined for a life of emptiness and misery.
I can accept having a job for which I do not want to work,
Or having a best friend who turns out to be a jerk,
Or being poor and barely scraping by,
Or living a hard life where things often go awry.
But what I cannot bear is to never have been treasured
Not by anyone at all, not even by me.
Though it is an entity not capable of being measured,
Love is invaluable, and is truly the key,
To happiness and enduring all of life’s maladies
And to survive alone is simply not viable,
Without it life is just a compilation of tragedies,
An unrelenting pain, this fact is undeniable.
So rather than to live in a world of false hope,
And wait for a call that will never come,
Or accept this pain and learn to cope,
Or live in denial and just play dumb,
Or coast through life existing but not really living,
Becoming catatonic, a puppet with someone else moving the strings,
Or fill my heart with hate and be unforgiving,
Walking around acrid and bitter causing fights, taking swings.
Rather than change myself or the world around me
Find a way to adapt to all the daggers fate throws my way,
I choose the easy way out, the fastest method of getting free,
End this anguish for good, my torment I will finally allay.
The number of times life has let me down is too hard to gage,
Such a relief to know that this heartache will finally be assuaged.
So many ghastly gruesome ways to go,
Will I quietly slip away in the privacy of my own home?
Or will I leap from a tall building onto those below?
Is there a heaven or a hell, or is it purgatory where I will roam?
No…years ago I lost belief in a God and comfort in prayer,
When I learned that life is just plain unfair.
That there are no arch angels who guard and protect and there is no Devil,
For it is fate and circumstance whose play things we really are.
There is no rectitude or almighty greatness for in which we should revel,
Nor is there pure evil to fear, fate is just personified as such a czar.
I believe that death will just be an end to it all,
My light will go out and I will cease to exist,
And then it will not matter if I were pretty or tall,
If I had known true love or had never been kissed.
It won’t matter one bit what I did here on earth,
Because where I’m going is dark nothingness, nowhere at all,
And this is something that finally brings me mirth,
As I will at last be free from fate’s merciless thrall.
Feel like I’m drowning from the inside out
Heart full of hurt, head full of doubt.
Pushing away the ones who care
So I can live alone in constant pain.
Believing that life is purely unfair
Fighting, struggling to stay sane.
Living without air, gasping for breath
How long can I fight to stay alive
Before I finally give up and accept death?
How can I hope, how can I strive,
When nothing really matters,
When I’m in shambles, tattered?
I am broken, I am jaded
I’ve been wasted, I have faded
Am I asleep or am I awake?
Is this reality or just a dream?
A nightmare I cannot shake
For nothing is what it seems.
Afraid to feel because pain will ensue.
Can no longer tell my lies from my truth.
A solution to this madness I pursue.
Return to childhood, restore my youth
So I can live this life again
And make wiser choices
Not live in a world of pretend.
And drown out all the voices.
Be my own voice,
Light my own way.
Find reason to rejoice,
Cause to live each day.
It is easier said than done
To have all this damage undone,
All my convoluted songs unsung,
Every sounded bell unrung.
But is a cause worth fighting for
Finally being able to feel more
Erase the emotional calluses I’ve developed
And the years of sorrows I’ve enveloped
Around my heart, throughout my mind.
Finally be able to leave it all behind.
Yet every time I build up hope
And feel as though I might break free,
Vow to cheer up and no longer mope,
Declare that I have changed, am a new me
The despair slinks back with quiet vigor.
Often without warning or an adequate trigger.
Sneaks up on me like a killer in the night,
Ties a cord around my neck and pulls real tight.
I fight to escape the forceful, unseen strangler.
What are the motives of this callous angler?
How can I break free of a villain so infernal
An unnamed torturer who no one can see?
How do you stop an assassin purely internal
Who remains undetectable to everyone but me?
A concealed illness infecting my head,
A macabre virus corrupting my mind
Like wildflowers the poison spreads,
Yet still remains impossible to find.
Feel like I’m being suffocated from the inside out.
Hands of an invisible monster grasped around my throat
Whispering morbid thoughts and planting seeds of doubt.
The voices so efficacious that they’ve started to gloat.
Their stream of subconscious mutilation so compelling,
Transcending from infrequent whispers to constant yelling.
They continue on with their evil, feeling malicious satisfaction.
Forcing out all my own thoughts, so potent is their exaction.
Somehow these indiscernible parasites have ravaged my mind,
Slipped into my system like a disease or infection,
A retrovirus, malady, or mortal illness of the worst kind,
Convincing me to self-loathe and despise my own reflection.
Spreading melancholy like malignant cancer, so clever, so deft.
Absorbing all my hope and positivity until there is nothing left.
Leeching on my essence, feeding on my moments of joy
Replacing them with hurt so I may never again enjoy
The golden rays of sunlight that wake me in the morn’
Streaming through the window offering me warmth.
Or the calm waves of the ocean
And the feeling of sand beneath my feet
Or the pleasure of love’s devotion
And of a kiss so passionate or touch so sweet.
Or the anticipation of a glorious occasion
And the sheer satisfaction of good conversation.
Or the delight of spending quality time with true friends,
Because the instant any gratification starts, it abruptly ends.
For the fiend only I can see
Who lives in my veins and torments my soul
Dictates who I must be
Restricts my movements, exerts control.
Trapped behind the force field of this dark cloud
I cannot dare to be happy for I am not allowed.
Feel like I’m being assaulted from the inside out,
My innocence corrupted through a most brutal route.
The potency of this evil must not be taken lightly
Despite being imperceptible, it is downright unsightly.
For this demon is a capricious and mighty beast,
Too strong and human to be exorcised by any priest.
A force so pervasive it is nearly impossible to vanquish
Aiming to replace your natural thoughts with those of anguish.
It drains you of your will to live and annihilates your essence
Eradicates your soul and impels you into obsolescence.
With callous motives of destruction and corruption,
A volcanic deluge of sorrow, an emotional eruption.
Unwarranted misery and tears of pain without a tangible cause
A corruption of your confidence, magnifying glass to all your flaws.
This force though invisible is indisputably real.
It is a blackness within which sheer will alone cannot heal.
No one is immune to the infection of this gloom,
For above all of our heads it does loom,
Waiting for the opportunity to strike,
For us to feel doubt, upset, or the like.
Some may have the capacity to fight it off,
Its effects like a cold, a temporary cough.
These lucky souls do doubt this evil’s existence,
Shun away the less fortunate in need of assistance.
Skeptical that a force within is breaking down the person,
Draining all the life and continuing to worsen,
Believing that he or she can stop at will,
That there is no evil and you are not ill.
To those cynics and nonbelievers I implore
That this sickness does exist so don’t ignore
The cries for help or signs of infection,
Outbursts of emotion and feelings of dejection.
For this blackness is real and only the uninfected hold the cure
Since their minds are uncorrupted and their thoughts are pure.
They can quiet the voices and pull one from the depths of hell
This unseen iniquity can be battled and the negativity quelled.
Through proper medication and an unbiased ear
One can terminate the suffering, remove all the fear.
I long for the day that my true self is saved,
When my light is restored and a new road paved.
I’m still infected by this illness awaiting salvation
Hoping that someday I can experience lasting elation.
Wishing it were simple to be pure of mind
Free of the blackness, unpolluted and bona fide
But search all you want and this demon you will not find
For this merciless monster is depression personified.
What’s Left of Me
It’s better to have loved and lost…or so I’ve been told.
Well what you’ve left me with is something I cannot bear.
My heart was yours to have and to hold,
But now there’s nothing tangible there.
A hole in my soul so big left by all of those to whom I gave a part of me,
Who in return took those fragments of my essence and just threw them away.
Pieces of my existence floating by like mere dust in the wind or lost at sea,
Ashes of my memory, my legacy drifting with wasted purpose, gone astray.
I grasp to save what little is left,
But don’t have the strength to fight.
I would call this a theft,
I would say it’s not right,
But this despair is of my own making
For letting my heart be for the taking.
This is not your fault, you did no wrong.
I believed your lies, I played along.
Too good to be true, too kind to be real.
Aching, breaking, hurts too much to feel.
I shared myself with you, let you take pieces of me to keep.
I shared myself with others before, who all have left me weak.
I was a cracked vase, a tenuous being, so fragile and delicate.
Didn’t take much effort at all to break me, just had to make me feel irrelevant.
You came in pretending to care and then laid the final blow.
You only stayed a while, was sure to have your fun but then you had to go.
Now I have nothing left to give and cannot a feel a thing
But aching where my heart once was and have nothing left to cling.
Soulless, lifeless, meaningless existence.
I should have fought harder, put up a resistance.
But I so badly wanted love that I let the wrong ones in
And now if the right one should come I have nothing left to give.
I’ve given too much up, committed such a sin.
Too bad, for now I’ve lost all feeling and my will to live.
Too bad I don’t have faith, can’t ask for redemption.
Full of wisdom, beauty, and a smile but not an ounce of prevention.
All of life and my education never prepared me for this,
You lured me in, took me completely by surprise.
Seemed to be the answer to my prayers, fulfilled my one and only wish,
Told me that you wouldn’t hurt me and looked right into my eyes.
Then you left me here bleeding because you had to run
Onto bigger better things or anyone but me.
You’ve played your game, had your fun,
Walked away unscathed while I lie in misery.
You’ve left me here with a hole where my heart should be.
You could care less, you’ve moved on and taken all of me.
And the worst part is, you have no clue what you’ve done,
No idea such pain could come from such fun.
I gave you all I had left to give
You took it and ran, and now without my soul I must live.
Cut out this pain, slice until I feel,
Starve until hunger makes me ache.
Was any of it real?
Would you show up at my wake?
If to live is to love, and love hurts, than living and feeling love means only constant pain.
If being alone hurts equally as bad, what are we all to do, how can we possibly stay sane?
What am I to do, to make this hurt stop, to breathe easy, to love life without love in it?
The only solution I see is not to breathe, to escape the pain once and for all, to just quit.
Lock myself in the garage with the car on breathing that exhaust, swallow a bottle of pills.
Better say my good-byes, leave a nice note, draft up a proper will.
Slit my wrists, jump off a cliff, find a sturdy rope to make my noose.
If life is just synonymous with pain then tell me really, what’s the use?