When He Says I Love You But You Aren’t There Yet

Recently a friend of mine was in a sticky situation.  A guy she was casually seeing told her he loved her.  As most girls dream of this moment because they tend to fall first, she just wasn’t there yet and was unsure of what to do.  And what do you do??  Do you just say “Thank you?”  Do you smile and say nothing?  What is the proper sexiquette for hearing an “I love you” when you aren’t ready to return the sentiment. Continue reading

Lust vs. Love: Reality vs. Desire

After several months of careful thought and consideration I’ve decided to reevaluate my stance on lust and love.  I had described lust as just feelings and desire while love was more about the underlying friendship and deeper connection.  I still hold that to be true but when I think of the one person I’ve ever loved I am not so sure how true it really was. Continue reading

“Cruel To Be Kind Means That I Love You Baby You Gotta Be Cruel to Be Kind”

As a child we were told by our parents that if a boy picked on us on the playground it meant that he liked us.  As adults we chase after the guys who don’t call us back or ignore our texts while dismissing the ones who take us out for dinner and pick up the tab then text us after to tell us what a great time they had.  We want what we can’t have and we are led to believe since we are children that cruelty and unkindness equate to attraction and love.  This is a sick fallacy that has warped all of our minds and we have consumed the myth and spit it out as fact. Continue reading

“You Think Fear of Being Alone is Bad…Let Me Tell You About Dread”

A while back I was having lunch with one of my besties and was grumbling about how much I hated being alone.  My mother is a 50-something divorce with only one friend, no male prospects, and is utterly miserable.  She has a cat and lives with my grandpa taking care of him while his health is failing.  I at the time lived with a deep rooted fear that a similar fate was in store for me and worried daily about being in my 50’s with nothing but a few dogs, a basement full of crap, and no one loving me in my life.  Obviously at 25 this was irrational but we all can’t help but worry from time to time that we won’t meet that special someone–that Mr. Right will never sail along and we will be trapped flailing in the sea with a bunch of douchebags who won’t throw us a life jacket.  I was telling my friend about my horrible fear of dying alone when she interjected with something she felt was much worse–dread.  “You think the fear of being alone is bad…let me tell you about a little something called dread.” Continue reading

Fear of Happiness…Why Be Afraid of What We Crave Most?

I recently wrote about my finally finding  happiness in a great guy.  I’ve talked in the past about my friend who dates the most romantic guy who “makes love” to her while listening to Sade.  We spend out lives searching for Mr. Right or at least a guy who makes us happy and completes us when we didn’t even know that we weren’t whole.  Well, what happens when we do find that special someone?  Do we just suddenly accept happiness and spend our days smiling about our great lives and ruminating over how it could possibly get any better than it already is?  Chances are sadly, no.  We tend to want what we can’t have and when we get what we want we fear losing it.  So, when we finally meet the right guy rather than living in a love struck bliss we wallow and weep over the dread of losing this new found happiness because now that we know what love and contentment feels like we can’t live without it. Continue reading

Is It Worth Messing With the Zip Code Rule?

Those of you who have been in the dating world a little while are aware of the “rule” about cheating and zip codes.  Urban Dictionary states that “if you have a girl in one zip code it is not cheating when you enter a new zip code.”  While zip code is a bit of a stretch and 2 miles or 100 miles away you are still cheating, is it cheating when you are separated and living in different countries? Continue reading

Dating Within the Friend Group

I am at that stage in my life where my education is completed for the time being, I am settled in a job, and have most of the friends that I am going to have for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to meet a guy in a bar so where does that leave me to find someone to help me change my Facebook status from single to “in a relationship”?  There is the world of online dating, which I will share my experiences with you at another time, you can meet someone by chance, or there is dating within the friend group and dating friends of friends.  Over the past year the latter has been my method and I must admit I have mixed reviews. Continue reading

The Fear of Lonliness

The fear of being alone is a very powerful thing.  I am not sure how many people have this fear because it’s one of those things no one talks about but locks away inside to eat at them each day.  I am an honest person, probably too forthcoming, which constantly gets me into messes that I’m not equipped to get myself out of.  So, as part of being truthful, I am open about my fears of dying alone.  My close friends who are aware of my anxiety think that I am crazy and claim that I’m 25 and beautiful and this is an irrational and unnecessary stress.  Regardless, it plagues me everyday.  Maybe it was because of how I grew up, with parents who  hated each other and resented me.  Perhaps the dissolution of my relationship with my father and 5+ year estrangement has affected me more than I care to admit.  Possibly it is the fact that my mother is an emotionally disturbed woman who likely has undiagnosed BPD and 18 years of growing up with her did a number on my self-worth and ability to handle my emotions because in addition to being a very honest person, I am also a deeply sensitive girl.

Continue reading

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Somehow, despite my consistent relationship failures, I seem to be the go-to person for my closest friends when it comes to dating and relationship advice.  Perhaps it is because I am so open and honest about my sexploits as well as my emotional highs and lows that people feel comfortable disclosing their own dating tribulations.  Or, maybe because I am a good listener and have a degree in psychology, people appreciate the way I validate their upset, help them to draw their own conclusions, and enable them to select a course of action they find best rather than solely dictating my opinions and expecting them to adhere.  Whatever the reason, my friends come to me almost daily to discuss their forays in singledom, long-term relationship woes, or pre-marital bliss and I never tire of being on speed dial.

The other day I received a flurry of texts from one of my besties who is conflicted about her current relationship.  Continue reading

In Love With the Idea: A Dangerous Delusion

Don’t be angry, don’t be sad, and don’t sit cryin’ over good times you’ve had. There’s a girl right next to you, and she’s just waitin’ for something to do.

And there’s a rose in the fisted glove and the eagle flies with the dove, and if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with.”

-Stephen Stills

I’ve been in the dating field for about a decade now and during that time I learned quite a bit about all the mistakes one can make when casually dating someone or seeing someone with the intent and hope of taking things to a more committed level.  One concept that repeatedly comes up in my life and my friends’ lives is falling in love with the idea of someone while believing you actually love that person. Continue reading